Chris Voss

The hijack moment: resist the urge to correct or story-steal

Voss says the hardest part of listening is the 'hijack moment' — the irresistible urge to either correct the other person or jump in with your own related story ('story stealing'). Pushing through it is the single biggest skill in becoming a better negotiator.

“Now, the other thing that you'll do frequently is hijack to relate, and it's called story stealing. And you won't mean to do it, but the other person will say something that triggers this incredible memory in you of a past experience, something that happened to you. It's one of the fallacies of common ground, and you'll completely be unable to resist that urge to jump in, to tell me your story.”

Steal thisWhen the other person triggers a memory, bite your tongue and let them finish instead of one-upping with your own story.

The hijack moment: resist the urge to correct or story-steal

Voss says the hardest part of listening is the 'hijack moment' — the irresistible urge to either correct the other person or jump in with your own related story ('story stealing'). Pushing through it is the single biggest skill in becoming a better negotiator.

“Now, the other thing that you'll do frequently is hijack to relate, and it's called story stealing. And you won't mean to do it, but the other person will say something that triggers this incredible memory in you of a past experience, something that happened to you. It's one of the fallacies of common ground, and you'll completely be unable to resist that urge to jump in, to tell me your story.”

Steal thisWhen the other person triggers a memory, bite your tongue and let them finish instead of one-upping with your own story.

Remove yourself as a threat before anything else

Voss's first move in any negotiation is to remove himself as a threat — because nobody makes a GREAT deal with someone they see as a threat. Hostage negotiators do it with a calming, non-threatening voice and genuine concern for the other side.

“First move in a negotiation is to remove yourself as a threat, because why would they make a great deal with you if you're a threat? Why would they? They might make a deal with you if you're a threat, but they're not going to make a great deal with you. So one of the first really counterintuitive moves is to remove yourself as a threat.”

Steal thisOpen by lowering your threat level, not asserting leverage — a threatened counterparty never gives you their best deal.

'Run to trouble': the Chase bank robbery negotiation

Voss describes the FBI/NYPD philosophy of 'run to trouble' — they weren't even called to the bank robbery, they became aware of it and just went. He calls living by this philosophy amazingly liberating.

“So we didn't get the call. We became aware of it and we just went, which is a really a philosophy that I live by, which is called run to trouble. It's amazingly liberating if your philosophy is to run to trouble. And so we ran to trouble. We showed up.”

Control the negotiation by controlling how each call ends

At the Chase bank robbery, the commander's instinct was that the upper hand came from how each conversation closed. He told Voss to keep the bad guy on the phone 5-10 seconds longer every time and always be the one to end the call.

“no matter what happens, you extend every call, you end every call. He tries to get off the phone, I don't care what you got to do, you keep him on the phone 5, 7, 10 seconds longer, then you end the call. We're going to take control of this by taking control of the end.”

Steal thisBe the one who ends every call or meeting — controlling the close controls the dynamic.

'It is what it is' is wrong — your first negotiation is trust

Voss argues that since both sides always hold proprietary information that would change the deal, 'it is what it is' is false. The other side will only reveal that info if they trust you not to use it against them — so your first negotiation is for trust.

“And the other side will tell you if they could trust you not to hurt them with it. So your first negotiation is trust. Because they got stuff, if they could tell you, it would change everything.”

Steal thisTreat the first phase of any deal as a negotiation for trust, not terms — the real must-haves only surface once trust exists.

Open with a label, not 'how are you?'

Instead of nonsensical 'how' questions, Voss soaks the person in for a few seconds and states an observation/label ('you seem centered'). His colleague then volunteered a paragraph about his meditation retreat — far more than 'fine, you?' would yield.

“I looked at this guy and I just kind of soaked him in for about 3 seconds, maybe. It sounds short, but always feels like an eternity. And I said, you seem centered. And he sat there for a second. He said, you know, I just came off the mountain.”

Steal thisReplace 'how are you?' with a specific observed label like 'you seem centered' to trigger real information.

Use no-oriented questions, not yes-oriented ones

Voss asks 'Is it ridiculous to talk about what we're here for?' instead of 'Do you want to talk about what we're here for?' Driving for yes creates friction; driving for no creates protection and safety, so the other side relaxes.

“It was a no-oriented question. Yeah. Instead of, do you want to talk about what we're here for? Which you're driving for yes because going for yes creates friction. But going for no creates protection and safety.”

Steal thisPhrase asks so 'no' is the safe answer ('Is it a bad idea to...?') — no makes people feel protected and in control.

Compromise correlates strongly to mediocrity

Voss reframes compromise as lose-lose by definition, incompatible with a long-term relationship of trust and prosperity. He argues it's the move of a C-player and correlates strongly with mediocrity.

“So it's— compromise is to, by definition, make something lose-lose, and that is not compatible with a long-term relationship of trust and prosperity. It's, it's compatible with being a C-player. Mediocrity. Compromise correlates very strongly to mediocrity. And you gotta decide whether or not you're good with mediocrity.”

Find the blend, not the compromise (steel is 2% carbon)

Voss replaces compromise with 'high-value trades' / finding the blend. His analogy: steel is 2% carbon and 98% iron — a 50-50 'fair' split would have been weaker, but the lopsided blend made the strongest alloy mankind had ever seen.

“Steel is 2% carbon and 98% iron. So let's imagine that carbon and iron were two negotiating factors. And he said, we got to compromise and go 50-50 because we need, we need a 50% representation here. Now, in point of fact, 2% of one person's idea and 98% of the other person's idea made a stronger ally that mankind had never seen before. So your real challenge is What's the blend? Not the compromise.”

Steal thisStop chasing a 50-50 split; hunt for the asymmetric blend of each side's elements that makes the strongest deal.

Leverage only makes you a B-level negotiator

Voss defines leverage as the ability to inflict harm. Deals built on leverage don't produce stable long-term relationships or honest information-sharing, because leverage makes you a threat — so it caps you at a B-level, passing grade, never A+.

“you get yourself to B-level negotiator there. You'll never get yourself to A, A+ on leverage because leverage is the ability to inflict harm. And if you're making deals based on the ability to inflict harm, those don't go for stable long-term relationships.”

The last impression is the lasting impression

From a Gallup human-nature finding: people don't remember how things started, they remember the most intense moment and how it ended. Voss says Oprah lives by 'in a limo, out in a limo' — everyone leaves feeling respected, heard, and loved.

“people don't remember things how they happened. They remember— and they don't remember how it started. They remember the most intense moment and how it ended. The last impression is the lasting impression.”

Steal thisEngineer the end of every interaction so the other person leaves feeling respected and valued.

Accusation audit: name their negatives before they do

To prep, Voss lists what the other side will harbor against him and what he'd want to deny ('I don't want you to think I'm a slimy salesperson'), then says it out loud as a straight observation. Voicing the negative first makes you the honest straight shooter.

“I always tell people, what would you want to deny walking in? That's your gut instinct telling you a negative is there. And you make the shift from a denial to the straight observation. Look, I'm probably going to seem greedy. I'm probably just going to seem like another slimy salesperson. I'm probably going to seem like somebody that's wasting your time. That then instantly makes me the straight shooter, the honest person.”

Steal thisBefore pitching, list what they'll suspect about you and say it out loud first to defuse it.

Feeling heard releases oxytocin and serotonin in the other side

Voss's neuroscience pitch: making someone feel heard triggers oxytocin (bonding and honesty) and serotonin (satisfaction, so less demanding). So a heard counterparty bonds with you, is more honest, and asks for less.

“I will trigger the release in you of your neurochemicals, oxytocin and serotonin. If you get a hit of oxytocin in interacting with me, you're going to bond with me and you're going to be far more honest with me. Oxytocin, it's bonding and truth. Serotonin is a drug of satisfaction, which means you're going to be less demanding. So if I can make you feel heard, you bond with me, you're more honest with me, and you're less demanding.”

Mirrors and paraphrases: the easiest way to score points

Asked for the most easily implemented technique, Voss points to the different ways of repeating back what someone just said — labels (their emotions) plus mirrors and paraphrases (their words). It feels like a waste of time but acts as a relationship and deal-making accelerator.

“Well, it's really going to be the different ways to repeat back to somebody what they just said. You know, Label, you're focusing on their emotions or affect. Mirrors and Paraphrases focuses specifically on what they said. It seems like it's a waste of time and it ends up being a relationship accelerator, which then is a deal-making accelerator.”

Steal thisRepeat back the last few words or paraphrase what they said — the cheapest move that accelerates trust.

Chris Voss: from FBI hostage negotiator to high-paid consultant

Shaan uses Chris Voss as the playbook for monetizing world-class skill: an FBI hostage negotiator who became world-class at life-or-death negotiation, wrote 'Never Split the Difference,' and now consults for companies and real estate agencies for hundreds of thousands with no physical infrastructure.

“he basically says, hey, I was a world-class negotiator. I negotiated life-or-death situations, so I could teach you how to negotiate as a real estate agent. He'll go teach you, he'll go consult for real estate agencies and make, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars just doing that. And he doesn't have to have any physical infrastructure or anything.”

Steal thisIf you're world-class at one high-stakes skill, package it as teaching/consulting for adjacent industries; near-zero overhead.